Bowen Eugene McDonald

December 2, 2014

Our doctor informed us that as long as the placenta is within me, there is a non-invasive blood test that can be done to test for any genetic or chromosome abnormalities, as well as determine gender.   Jesse and I agreed that no matter the cost, if we could know one thing in this lifetime, we feel blessed to have the ability to know if you are a boy or a girl.

Now we wait (up to 21 days) for the test results.  Knowing is worth every minute and every penny!

On another note, the clock is ticking.  The longer we wait for my body to pass you naturally, the greater the risk of sepsis and infection so my doctor is recommending surgery.

I want so badly to pass you naturally so daddy and I can at least hold your precious little body.

December 4, 2014

It has been (almost) two weeks since your heart stopped beating.  I can't blame you for not wanting to come out!  I don't want to let go of you either, but it is time (for surgery).

I feel defeated.  I feel like I have failed you.

Late yesterday evening Jesse and I went to our parish and sat in adoration to spend some peaceful, quiet, alone time in prayer.  When we left our parish, it was drizzling and this morning it was pouring (keep in mind it hasn't rained since September)!  Stupid as this may sound, I felt like heaven was weeping with me.

I am in unfamiliar territory.  I have a new OBGYN who delivers at a hospital that I have never delivered at.  I am terrified.

Maybe this was all a part of God's plan to help get Jesse and I get through this because I have never felt so much true compassion from hospital staff, from complete strangers.  EVERY single person on this day from check-in to check-out acknowledged you as a human being, acknowledged you as OUR child.

As I was wheeled out of the hospital empty handed, the skies had calmed and the sun was peeking through the clouds, almost like you were telling me, "Mom, I'm here.  I made it!"

December 8, 2014

The last six weeks or so 2:30 am became OUR "date" time.  It was just the two of us alone, no distractions, just peace and quiet.  Like usual, I poured us a glass of milk and reached into the graham cracker box.  Only this time the box was empty.  I lost it.  I sobbed and I sobbed.  Just another reminder that you are gone.

December 10, 2014

Last night I started bleeding heavily with large amounts of clotting and painful cramping.  The doctor sent us to the ER this morning so that we could have a thorough ultrasound to make sure I was ok.  Turns out, everything was ok.  Though visually terrifying, this was my body's natural way of ridding of any remaining tissue.

Upon leaving the ER we received the best news we've had in weeks, "it's a boy!".

Bowen Eugene McDonald

Bowen because your daddy always wanted a "Bo" and I wanted an "Owen".  

Eugene because you have two of the most wonderful great grandfathers (who happen to share a same name) up in Heaven with you. 

Eugene Stanley Beben

Carl Eugene Creger 

December 15, 2014

We picked up your casket, picked out your burial plot, and selected a funeral date...I don't really have much else to say.