Bowen Eugene McDonald

December 2, 2014

Our doctor informed us that as long as the placenta is within me, there is a non-invasive blood test that can be done to test for any genetic or chromosome abnormalities, as well as determine gender.   Jesse and I agreed that no matter the cost, if we could know one thing in this lifetime, we feel blessed to have the ability to know if you are a boy or a girl.

Now we wait (up to 21 days) for the test results.  Knowing is worth every minute and every penny!

On another note, the clock is ticking.  The longer we wait for my body to pass you naturally, the greater the risk of sepsis and infection so my doctor is recommending surgery.

I want so badly to pass you naturally so daddy and I can at least hold your precious little body.

December 4, 2014

It has been (almost) two weeks since your heart stopped beating.  I can't blame you for not wanting to come out!  I don't want to let go of you either, but it is time (for surgery).

I feel defeated.  I feel like I have failed you.

Late yesterday evening Jesse and I went to our parish and sat in adoration to spend some peaceful, quiet, alone time in prayer.  When we left our parish, it was drizzling and this morning it was pouring (keep in mind it hasn't rained since September)!  Stupid as this may sound, I felt like heaven was weeping with me.

I am in unfamiliar territory.  I have a new OBGYN who delivers at a hospital that I have never delivered at.  I am terrified.

Maybe this was all a part of God's plan to help get Jesse and I get through this because I have never felt so much true compassion from hospital staff, from complete strangers.  EVERY single person on this day from check-in to check-out acknowledged you as a human being, acknowledged you as OUR child.

As I was wheeled out of the hospital empty handed, the skies had calmed and the sun was peeking through the clouds, almost like you were telling me, "Mom, I'm here.  I made it!"

December 8, 2014

The last six weeks or so 2:30 am became OUR "date" time.  It was just the two of us alone, no distractions, just peace and quiet.  Like usual, I poured us a glass of milk and reached into the graham cracker box.  Only this time the box was empty.  I lost it.  I sobbed and I sobbed.  Just another reminder that you are gone.

December 10, 2014

Last night I started bleeding heavily with large amounts of clotting and painful cramping.  The doctor sent us to the ER this morning so that we could have a thorough ultrasound to make sure I was ok.  Turns out, everything was ok.  Though visually terrifying, this was my body's natural way of ridding of any remaining tissue.

Upon leaving the ER we received the best news we've had in weeks, "it's a boy!".

Bowen Eugene McDonald

Bowen because your daddy always wanted a "Bo" and I wanted an "Owen".  

Eugene because you have two of the most wonderful great grandfathers (who happen to share a same name) up in Heaven with you. 

Eugene Stanley Beben

Carl Eugene Creger 

December 15, 2014

We picked up your casket, picked out your burial plot, and selected a funeral date...I don't really have much else to say.

Last Days Together

Friday, November 28, 2014

It seems common to internalize and privatize miscarriage, and that is 100% fine.  It is a hard and incomprehensible act that we may never fully understand.  However,  I choose to publicize our story because this is OUR LIFE.  This is OUR REALITY.  Just as it was with Gwen, we cannot cope on our own.  We are human and we need your prayers.  We have received an outpouring of love and support since my last post.  For that, we thank you.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

It has been one week since they "say" your heart stopped beating.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but Jesse and I ventured out to do some shopping to get our mind off things.  "How far along are you?" strangers asked. "3 months" I say (with a forced smile) as I turn my body with the hopes to avoid anymore questions.  Pregnancy seems everywhere.  Everywhere but within me.

It's only been 5 days since our appointment when we learned you could have passed, 5 days.  Like it was with Gwen,  our world seems to have stopped and everyone else's just keeps moving on.  I know in time this will hurt a little less, but the thought that you could be gone is so new, so fresh, and so very painful.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

The next 24 hours seem like an eternity as we sit and wait to see you on the ultrasound tomorrow.  It will be our confirmation ultrasound to determine what steps come next.  We have prayed for you,  we have grieved for you, and I have rubbed my belly more in the last week than the last three months.

Still no symptoms.

Monday, December 1, 2014

The ultrasound confirmed that your physical body remains within me, but your soul indeed has gone to Heaven.

Until the time comes to physically part, I will cherish our last days together... love you.

12 Weeks and 3 Days.....

Late this past September, Jesse and I found out we were expecting!  I've been waiting and thinking of some cute way to post on the blog the big news, but I can't wait anymore.

So far my pregnancy has been completely "normal"; fatigue, daily vomiting, nausea, mood swings, weight gain, etc.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

It's our first prenatal appointment.  After reviewing previous pregnancies, history, etc., the doctor could not locate your heartbeat with the Doppler.  According to the doctor this was not a big deal because you were only 8 weeks, not 10 weeks (like we had thought)!  We went in for an ultrasound.  There you were, a little person with a very strong heartbeat!

Monday, November 24, 2014

Jesse and I arrived at our routine 12 week check-up.  I was still experiencing all of the same "normal" pregnancy symptoms.  In fact I had my daily throw-up in the shower just before our appointment, so everything seemed right on cue!  We reviewed all of my previous lab work, which was normal.  Once again they could not locate your heartbeat with the Doppler so we had another ultrasound.  We didn't even think anything of it, in fact I was excited to peek at you again!

Then it happened.  Your beautiful growing body appeared on the screen in front of us, but after what seemed like an eternity of searching, your heartbeat in fact, could not be located.  Jesse and I looked at eachother in disbelief.  This is not what we expected, planned for, talked about, or even considered  would ever happen to us.

It was 12 weeks and 5 days, and you measured 12 weeks and 3 days.  So whatever happened, literally just happened.

We were left in the room alone to process what we had just found out.  We sobbed.  How can this be?  I've had no symptoms to think that anything could be wrong.  We were told we can return for a confirmation ultrasound within the next few days when we were ready and also given paperwork for a burial at a local cemetery.

Really?  Are we seriously planning a funeral?!? This is not happening! This is not happening! Please God, wake me up from this nightmare!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I am 13 weeks today and still no symptoms of a miscarriage.  In fact I have felt constant fluttering and movement since our visit 48 hours ago when we found out you had no heartbeat.  What is happening?  Could the doctor be wrong?  Are you infact gone and my body still think it's pregnant?  This is not fair!

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Today is Thanksgiving and still no symptoms.  As I walked out of the bathroom this morning, out of the clear blue, my two year old greeted me with, "Mom, Baby all gone".  How could he know this?  Is this God's peaceful way of telling us your journey here in the physical world has ended?  If this is the case, then I am forever thankful for.....12 weeks and 3 days.

A Summer Full of Fun!

MAY (continued)

Summer Has Arrived

Our pool is finally warm enough to swim in (well, not for me) and Gwen got to try out her new neck float!

 

Cassie, Gwen's hab worker, is brave enough to run Gwen around the splashpad!  

 

What do we do when it's too hot?  We build forts!!

Gwen's school took a trip to the local aquarium!

JUNE

Graduation

I can't believe our sweet little girl graduated from preschool!  It's amazing to see how much Gwen has grown! We are forever indebted and grateful for Jean Murphy (teacher), Lisa Sedillo-Hinshaw (aide), and all of the therapists who have helped Gwen succeed these past 2 1/2 years! 

 

 

For Graduation (theme was Somewhere Over the Rainbow), the class prepared a skit, Grandma Magee made the cake, and Gwen got her diploma! 

Vacation Bible School

We have been going to our church now for two years and I decided it was time for Gwen to participate in Vacation Bible School.  Not only was this a great opportunity for Gwen, but it was awesome for the children (and adults) to finally meet Gwen (without being scared)!  We borrowed a hi-lo chair from Gwen's school that allows her to raise up and down.  During circle time she could be low to the ground and during singing and activities she could be high and eye level.  Gwen's respite worker, "Aunt" Mandy, took her all week long and based by the pictures, Gwen had a blast!

Denver, Colorado

Quinten and I took a trip to Denver to visit two of my bridesmaids and their families.  We had no plans, just to enjoy eachother's company....and that we did!

JULY

Pinetop, Arizona

Shortly after Denver, we headed up north to Pinetop for our 7th annual family trip! Jesse, Papa, Uncle Kevin, and I took Quinten out for his first real fishing trip.  It took Q about 2 hours to relax on the boat, but that little stinker caught the first fish of the day!  I've become quite skilled at gutting and cleaning the fish, however I still squirm touching the slimy skin!

                 

Before

After

 

 

Quinten found an old metal Tonka dumptruck at the house we stayed in and he ran that thing up and down the hills...never getting bored once!  He also greeted a local bear with a high-five, and Gwen enjoyed the outdoors doing a little hiking!

 

 

 

Tooth Fairy

Gwen lost her first tooth! I guess this marks the official transition to being a little girl and no longer a baby :(.

Time to Catch Up, Part III

I am not the world's best blogger.  I don't post daily.  I don't post weekly.  I don't post monthly.  I post when I can.....and I have much to catch everyone up on!

FEBRUARY

Dr. Office Shout Out

I am sooooo grateful for our pediatrician and his office staff!  Is it sad to say that I love going there (as does Gwen!)?  They have been amazing with Gwen since our first visit 5 years ago.  They love her, they care about her, they are incredible about squeezing us in, and superb about tedious paperwork!  Thank you to the entire office, most of all "Dr." Steve and Danielle.

   

FBC Valentine's Sock Hop

For the third year in a row (and the last...ugghh it's so painful to write that) Jesse joined Gwen at her preschool's Valentine's Day Sock Hop.  She loves it when he is there!  She knows it's their special day and I think the pictures say it all!  That smile makes my world!

  

FBC Phoenix Zoo Day

Gwen's preschool invited families to the the Phoenix Zoo (for free)!  Unfortunately I didn't get any good shots of Gwen, but Quinten sure had a good time at the petting zoo! Oma (Grandma Magee) sure is a trooper riding horseback ;) with Quinten!

 

The Miracle League of Arizona

I'm always excited to try new things that Gwen can participate in.  Ryan House invited its families to come out for a fun day of baseball with The Miracle League of Arizona! 

"The Miracle League of Arizona is a non-profit organization in North Scottsdale, dedicated to providing a safe, successful and enjoyable baseball experience for children, teens and adults with disabilities or special health care needs. We offer adaptive baseball, at an accessible stadium, removing the barriers that would normally keep individuals off the baseball field".

Each child is assigned a "buddy" and this day the baseball team from South Mountain Community College came out to play with the kids!  Gwen's buddy was Lucas.  This was the first time Lucas had ever done anything like this, but he took to Gwen immediately.  He helped her hit the ball, he ran her around the bases, and at one point we all noticed Lucas gave Gwen his hat to keep the sun off her face!  It might not sound like a big deal, but to us it was a melt your heart kind of moment.   

   

   

Quinten's First Haircut

My dad has been going to Papa Joe since I was a little girl.  Once Jesse realized Papa Joe's skills, he started going there as well.  Well the time came for Q to get his first haircut and without a doubt he had to go see Papa Joe.  It started out ok, and then......

  

MARCH

Ryan House Run

Once again, we attended another Ryan House event.  This time it was their annual run.  Lesson learned: Gwen does NOT like marathon's, especially if they start before 9 am!  Girl needs her beauty sleep!  It was pouring rain, but we made the end of the run.  I'd like to thank everyone that came out that day to support such an amazing organization!

Adaptive Day

Gwen's Godmother, Kelly, is a special needs teacher in Tempe, and her school hosted an adaptive day along with the Suzy Foundation.  Gwen had a blast in the petting zoo!  I'm pretty certain this girl has a future as a vet or pet therapist!

   

APRIL

FBC Farm Day

Just like the sock hop, this was our last year to attend Farm Day.  Gwen had fun painting and petting the animals and Q had a blast riding the tractor and planting in the garden.

Swim Lessons

Quinten is a very busy boy so I am always looking for activities for him to participate in.  I found some swim lessons through the City and he and his two buddies, Casey and Alex, took their first swim lessons together!  I enjoy that Quinten gets to experience being around Gwen and her peers, but I can't let that consume his life.  It's important for me that he gets to do "normal" things like swim lessons with his friends.

Easter

Jesse's brother Cody and new wife Lauren came in from Seattle for a week to spend time with the family.  We had a great time eating, decorating, and hunting for eggs!

    

MAY

San Diego

Jesse has been working and traveling a lot lately, and quite frankly I needed a break and he needed to spend some quality time with his kids.  So I suggested (no, more like demanded) we get out of town and head to the beach for Mother's Day and Jesse's Birthday!  To my surprise, we did it!  We went with Oma and Opa Magee and we stayed at a quant three bedroom cottage walking distance to the beach.  There was no schedule, there were no plans, just relaxing and enjoying eachother's company.